reflecting

i gave up a lot two years ago. more than i thought i would ever have too. i knew i would eventually, but when it happened it was such an experience. an experience that will continue through the rest of my life.
two years ago i was working my way up to the type of person i was striving to be in my design career. i was an interior decorator for the number 1 furniture store in the state and within the company. i was constantly learning and applying my new interior design major into my real life! and i was getting paid really well for someone of my age. i graduated college when i was only 19 and begun my long road to become an aspiring designer. it was such a hard time for me. i worked two jobs, tried to have a social life, be with family, bought my own car, student loans, attend church and activities, dating, and trying to figure out who i really was. but who really knows who they are at 19?
two years ago my life changed. i was in a conundrum. what to do? i was working over 40-50 hours a week and trying to stay sane all while trying to become who i wanted to be in life. a designer. a friend. someone that people just liked. new years eve i met a man. i should say re-met. and that i already knew who this man was. he was weird. he just got back from a two year mission and was ready to start school the next month. i looked at him with my high ego of how unfortunate he was to just now be starting school at the age of 21. here i was now 20 and well into the beginning of my career. i brushed him off. knowing that i was wanting something more stable and experienced. or at least done with their education. but who really is done with their education?
that man was funny, kind, and engaging. he wanted to know about me. i was a closed book, hoping for a different ending. with a different writer. but he kept trying. and i liked it. this man became my sweet boyfriend and showed me how to loosen up. which i guess i hadn't done for awhile since my college days. and i am sure my roommates would say that i never really let loose. but with him. i could be myself. he was helping me find me! but how could this be when i had 1 year plan. 5 year plan. 10 year plan? he showed me that living in the moment is the plan. my yearly plans were dreams. and dreams can change. in a more positive way than i ever thought imaginable.
that same man taught me how to laugh with him. and not the cute side laugh or the courteous laugh. but the ugly face laugh. i never wanted anyone to see that face, it's only meant for my sister. late at night. he showed me how to love. and not the pathetic little high school fling love. but the love that he is the only one that you want. you need. i always was scared to give my heart away. in fear that it was too heavy for some or too much handle. and that if i give, it will be received back in the same way given. so this man who had already taught me so much in a matter of 3 weeks was asking me a question.
i had dreamed of the moment when i would be loved. loved by someone that i too loved. this man. i loved. i loved that man more than anything! but again this wasn't part of the plan. maybe it would have been when i was back in high school, eager to get out of there and find my husband, have kids and live my dream life. but no. not at that this time in my life. but that was the moment i was wanting. so there i was staring at this man with a huge smile, a little teary eyed and shaking. my life was changing fast. my plans were taking a new route all while my heart was being opened to this man who was asking me the most important question i have ever been asked.
julia eden leavitt, will you marry me? was this even happening? was this real? the moment i had been waiting for my life just happened. fireworks didn't go off, we didn't skip off to the sunset. we kissed and hugged. and i felt whole. growing up i knew someone was missing. i always thought it was a sibling. then a friend. but i realized it was this man. my now old boyfriend, new fiancé, and future husband. my life has changed since that moment and i have had lots of other life-changing moments. not at the time that i thought they would happen, but at the moments they were supposed to.
i have given up a lot to be with this man. now my husband of nearly two years. i gave up first dates, single girls nights, my career, my name, my lifestyle, my family, my body, my little safe bubble, and myself. they all sound like negative things. but they have been the best things that i have been able to give him.
no more of the awkward first dates. only sweet dates to the grocery store, long walks to the fridge to see what there is not to eat so we then go on the grocery store dates, or the late night movie nights/Netflix marathons. one man, is way better than a bunch of girls. truth be told. but you get to do the same thing with him, and stuff your face without feeling like the fat girl of the bunch. i have a new a career. being a mother to his beautifully gorgeous baby girl, that i too love with my whole heart. there is nothing like loving your own child, they truly are a part of you. an extra limb. strange but so true. i feel so alone when she isn't attached me somehow. i love her. and that is my favorite kind of career. to love someone. yes i love design, but that can be a hobby. and i am ok with that. more than ok with it. i am no longer a Leavitt, even if my dad says other wise. but a Holderness. Mrs. Jeffery Holderness. and i wouldn't want any other name. the life i live now is much more relaxed, it drives me crazy at times that it isn't the perfect way that i would want. it's not like my baby can control when she wants to blowout. although i have a theory that she really does. at the perfectly wrong time. this lifestyle is definitely the lifestyle that i was always meant to live. a christmas break all year long? yes please. no boss to ask for time off? perfect. my family was never really given up, just expanded. like a lot of expansion. he comes from a family of 8 and is the youngest. he has been with change his whole life. me being the oldest of 4, everything is new to me. but i am learning so many new things from this family of his. it is much needed. it will be a very long time before i can fit into my skinny jeans. am i ok with that. not yet, but i am learning day by day to. i gave up that body to carry my daughter. i allowed my body to morph into this beautiful machine that gave nourishing and shelter to my babe. it was one of the hardest things that i have ever done and i am still doing. but i must remember to be thankful for this body. every time i bend down to pick her up. cradle her to nurse. or walk around the house singing to her. i am lucky to call her mine and have a body that allowed me to give her life. i also must remember that i am beautiful. my husband tells me this 50 times a day. but i usually brush it off. i shouldn't do that. the man that i love thinks i am beautiful. that should be enough. and it is. i am beautiful, and my daughter must learn to love herself and find her beauty. brushing your teeth and taking a shower goes a long way too. after writing down my goals, that is what was safe. i supposedly knew what was going to happen because of that list. and it felt safe. but life isn't meant to be lived safe. but to take chances and learn from them. the gospel teaches me that every day. along with my husband. getting out there is important. i wasn't meant to live this life in a bubble but in the world that was provided by Him. it is a wonderful life i live.
i gave my husband me. because that is what he wanted. he didn't want his ex girlfriends, or the girl on the internet, or on tv. but me. for some strange reason i am enough for him. i am able to give him the love that he wants, needs and most importantly deserves. my husband deserves the best from the world.
today i am still the same person, but trying to be perfected. i am a daughter, sister, friend, mother and wife.i love that man. because two years ago, he gave me, me.